It's painful

To see Iranians hurt Iranians.

31

31.
I lay there in my bed, feeling absolutely nothing about the number except that I realized it had a one in it. It was the beginning, the first year. The first year of a decade. Or the second, it depends on how you count it. I chose the first. It was the T1, of the timeline, the start of the calendar. Reset ready to go. You have ten years. Do it right.

Or you don’t. Decades, numbers, we all know they mean nothing. Health is not relative to age. Wisdom is not relative to age.

Instead I am going to choose this day as a marker. There are things I want to do. I will use birthdays to see if I have done them. Maybe next year I won’t care about what I care about today. Maybe next year I will care more.

Lackadaisical

the rain made noise
like an animal scrounging for food
the stream of water
was inconsistent
and lazy
not falling hard enough to make noise
on the metal AC
but not quitting either
so it sounded like a tiny creek
was flowing outside
solitude was infinite
and plentiful

meaning

the white orchid flower
just fell to the ground
it sounded like tissue paper
crinkling as it fell
it was so definitive
like a lover waking up in the middle of the night
finally deciding to leave
i saw that it went yellow earlier today
and sagged like silk
i searched and searched for the way to
save it
make its stem go back to green

the snow has stopped
its large chunks
dove down in diagonals
all day
snow is the only thing
that gets quieter when it hits the ground

I spent 3.23 on a juice today

flashbacks

There are flashbacks of love
A joke and a smile
Flossing my teeth while you sat on the toilet and talked and watched
Conversations in hallways, and kitchen floors
Running up stairways
Standing in elevators
In the corner of a bar
On top of a table dancing
and they are the gifts
of knowing whats its like
to go that far
in love

Gratitude

Sometimes my conscience takes action

I knew it for at least two months. It had to end. But yesterday I did it bc I realize I couldn't be me and continue it.

The most giddy I have been is in love and in creativity borne from integrity. In those moments I can't stop giggling. It is an infinite conclusive moment of neverending bliss.

masculine & feminine

both developed inside

the flow

when you are doing
what you are meant to be doing
you have endless amounts of energy
and even more focus
nothing distracts
from what is erupting
from within

A Man

He is stubborn, finds seeing a lover’s point of view in a conflict as a major loss like a ceding territory in a 19th century war. If in a conversation, in a moment of strategic oversight, he does understand my perspective, he quickly frightens at registering the loss of acreage. I imagine him seeing a whole plain lost in this game of victory and failure. This frustrates him, and makes him rescind his last statements or turn them around, where suddenly I am the one mistaken, and it is me who is terribly and perhaps, maybe, irreconcilably flawed. And then I am utterly perplexed. It seemed we were finally becoming one, in understanding each other, finally, reaching the highest state in empathy and care and I am dropped from my near climatic point to fall thousands of feet.

I almost fell in love.

In that brief moment of heard expression. In that fleeting minute of patient, courageous listening, I was falling deeply, passionately in love. And then, like a sudden frost, the changing leaves dropped from the trees before the brightest colors had yet to show.

As if the whole process of two people understanding the other signifies the loss of himself, the loss of his best interest, he fights it with all of his might. I think about his mind. It is a domination, subordination grid, if I win, he is my slave, if he wins I am his. Is that how it works?

Then I realize as I think more, that I begin to understand him. My need, despite its substance or matter is inherently in conflict with his, as it is outside of him, and my comments , rather than about a way to express who I am and my own opinion, are a remark and commentary on his value, his worth, his something, I am not sure. And while I talk about how I feel, avoiding blame, he quickly attaches labels reflecting my inherent flaws- otherwise my feelings would have to be addressed.

And so somewhere along the way, the number of taboo topics increase, we cannot talk about his best friend, cannot talk about his parents, cannot talk about my feelings when he hurts me, until I am suddenly, deadly silent and mute. I wonder about this. In this modern, intellectual society that we travel in, how could it be that there are men that still refuse to communicate, still resist compromise, and negotiation, abhor collaboration, ultimately fear vulnerability, failing to see the inevitable bliss of the creative power of two people’s hearts and minds as one?

Friends, lovers, partners

I want a way of communication that is empathetic, meaning the person tries to understand the emotions and thinking behind what I am saying in the moment.

To do this, I want a person who listens, listens not defensively, ready to make an argument back, but ready to really understand what I am feeling and saying. To me, this takes courage and serious self esteem. To me, this means he holds the deepest respect for me, because he believes that my feelings and my thoughts are valuable.

I want a person who trusts. Trusts and has faith in the good between us and in the world. He believes that what I am saying and the approach I am taking is not to break him down, but to grow us closer. He can see and hear that I too, admit my faults and mistakes openly.

I want a person who is positive, in that he sees the positive aspects to difficult situations, to difficult people, and believes in those. His first reaction is to see the reality rather being naive about other's good intentions or thinking everyone is out to get him. He bases his judgments on evidence.

He doesn't get defensive, doesn't express bravado, doesn't feel threatened when someone is correcting him, someone seems more successful than him according to societal criteria for success: money, fame, intelligence or otherwise. He doesn't measure himself in that way. He just calmly thinks and considers the moment and the situation until he feels he understands it and himself in it.

He is comfortable asking questions, not knowing, being wrong, and openly admitting to his mistakes and his fallibility.

I want someone who is comfortable with being wrong because he believes in admitting his faults it is the only way he can evolve, grow and become stronger and happier.

I want someone whose security comes not from convincing others of his talents or brilliance or success, but from his deep belief in himself, his ability to make decisions, his ability to live true to himself, his integrity, his ability to do what is right for the universe even if it was hard for him or incongruous with his need to feel important.

Regulations, rules, policies

Make people - who are so inclined to gut instinct and ideological decisions and nepotism- to think rather than just feel...

Time to acknowledge

That no one is going to take care of me
No one is going to think for me
No one is going to raise me
No one is going to do it all right for me
No one is going to make the best decisions for me
With eyes wide open
I have to do it
Every day
and
It feels good
And I want to be with people
that respect that
every day
and that I respect
every day

The Gifts

focus
is a gift
that one receives
when one finds
what is within
and cares for it

success
is a gift
that one receives
when one finds
the magic within
others
and cares for it

confidence
is a gift
that one receives
when one can
stand in the wind
like a tree
blowing back and forth
but having the courage
to find the truth
and stick to it
despite its incongruity
with ones beliefs
or hopes

truth
is a gift
one receives
when one
decides
that being alone
is better
than losing integrity

freedom
is a gift
one receives
when one
believes

Along the journey

I stopped to take a rest
then I awoke around 3 AM
the kitten noticed and came to say hello
in the nightime quiet
i felt lucky to have a piece of time
to hold
to feel warmth around me
care next to me
I will begin my seeking again
get on the journey and keep on moving
but I stopped for that moment
and I enjoyed it

Sometimes I seek a really old wise person to call so he or she can tell me its all okay.

I seek a respite

You have to get vulnerable to get secure.

gratitude

For the body that stands me
Bends me
Feels me
For the blood that pumps while I don’t
For the eye lashes that protect my sight
The lips that let me taste you
The nose that remembers her
The legs that get me there
The arms that let me speak
The fingers that let me be
The mind that pushes me
To live
The heart that guides me well
For the Saturday morning that lets me read
And escape
For the Sunday that lets me write
For the people that believe and try as much
For the people who care as little for money as much
For the people who care about people as much
For the people who do good in their sleep
For those people that I wake up and go to work with every day
For the work that found them
For replacing the feeling every morning that things aren’t right
With the feeling that things are challenging but right
For the feeling every morning
That I am going to exactly where I should be going
For the six months that turned everything around
For the faith
Thank you

Book

A beautiful book doesn't tell us exactly why because in every moment the why changes as we change. A beautiful book allows us to change the why and still love the book.

Faith

Faith is noble confidence. Confidence springs from integrity. Confidence that even if things don't feel exactly right, right now, they are happening for a reason, like everything else that has occurred in life, that you are driving this boat and the water is guiding this boat, and together, you are going somewhere a big part of you wants to go and a big part of nature wants you to go too...so you keep your eye on the steering wheel, so that you learn what you are meant to learn from this weird time, but you stay proud, that you are true to yourself, your integrity is in tact, so this is who you are and that means its right.

Saving the World

One Revised Document at a Time....

A wave rolling over me

The Innocence Mission

Worrying

It was in the New York Times magazine, some people are just more worry prone than others and depending on the environment, they can become less or more. It was me in an article. So the next time I felt calm and confident (like right now) that everything was going to be okay, I wanted to describe it to myself so I can get here again, should I feel worried about something later.
Right now, I feel I could worry about a lot of things. The way I misspoke to my best friend and possibly hurt her feelings, the way my savings is pathetic and I could be screwed if I was fired or laid off, the way I took the day off and my staff is probably scrambling to meet deadlines that I should be helping them with, the way I have no idea what is good or bad or whether the current relationship I am in will last, the way I have gained weight over the summer, the way I probably offended my cousin yesterday, how my sister is and what I should do to take care of her, all of this, sits somewhere in my mind and tends to freak me out.

For awhile I thought I had to just work through each worry and I would be okay, which ultimately meant I had to sit out of life for periods of time. Now I know if it isn’t one worry, it will be something else, that I will always find something to worry about or fear, because there is always something to worry about or fear. So now I am practicing, not avoidance, but letting go. Letting go of everything I can’t control, and even the stuff I can, so at least I can live and be and produce and accomplish.

Its as if I am changing the way I see the world from real problems I need to solve to a game of fake problems my mind creates for me to be distracted by. Its like having schizophrenia and knowing when the other voices are coming and knowing how to ignore them. Some of these concerns are real and important. And if they are, they will come up in due time, and I can deal with them then.

The grass flittered
while the wind stimulated
the leaves reacted
and the river
moved in diagonal
across the horizon
autumn spent the day
settling in
as the rain dabbled onto
our sweaters
by nightfall the windows
were pulled low
the blankets were scavenged
from dusty attics
the air was cool

Information

"Information itself has become relative."

http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/18/what-socialism-means-to-the-masses/?ref=global-home

Summer of '09

It was the summer of mulling. Mulling and more mulling. People hurting each other, people being hurt. People standing up and getting hurt for doing that, people not standing up and getting hurt for that. It was the summer of turmoil. The celestial gods were angry and irritable. They were tired of all of us staying so complacent for so long. Governments argued and fought with their people. People argued and fought with those they loved. New things happened, old things ended.
People were angry and grumpy and creative and innovative all together. It was so much change it had to be an upheaval.
Those that preferred the dolphins were forced into waters with sharks, those that preferred the bite of sharks were stuck with sheen skin of dolphins.
Long living narratives cracked open, the way things were just couldn’t continue to be the way things are.

abstraction according to answers.com

The selection and conceptualization of a phenomenon, or some aspect of it. Abstraction is an essential part of model building where some aspect or part of the real world is extracted and simplified. Unfortunately, during the process of simplification, so much information has to be jettisoned that the resulting model may have very limited success.

Other abstractions are based on idealism; models are made of an ‘ideal type’ such as the Latin American city model. The problem is that it is quite possible to construct very different ideal types of the same phenomenon.

Communalism Vs Individualism again

http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/11/mathematics-and-economics/#comment-234077

do we have it all wrong?
maybe half of it.

its gone

It was a dream
A 30 year old dream
Of escape
Adventure
Laughter
And intensity
I came home
I sat down
And then it went away
in its stead
came negotiation
compromise
frustration

East vs West

"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own necessities but of their advantages."

Adam Smith

"What is the key to untie the knot of the mind’s suffering? Benevolent
thought, sound and movement."

Hafiz

Sinews

“Good company and good discourse are the very sinews of virtue” (Izaak Walton).

fall

the fall light
is here now
it comes in the early
morning
when jet lag
awakes
it is pink
instead of yellow
it is soft
instead of bright
with the cool breeze
that accompanies it
it forces
a change
i wasn't quite finished
w summer

it rained

When I was 13, I was living at my grandmother's house. One afternoon it started to rain while I was walking to the mailbox to check the mail. I was in a bright orange robe that my mom had bought me. As the rain fell and the light changed, I became energized and started dancing in the rain. I was moving jumping twirling in the drive way with such energy, the cool rain fell on my eyes, down my face soaking my hair. It was a thrill.

Ten minutes later I went inside. Thirty minutes later the cops knocked on the door. "The neighbors called about someone running around outside your house in an orange robe."

lunacracy

I saw your picture from the trials the other day. It was on FARS news. Someone, one of the many friends you made while you were here, sent it to a group of us. We have an email group that simply mulls over what we should do. We use logic, trying to think about what the government would do if we went public or if we didn’t, trying to presume behavior that frankly is a funny presumption. We have no idea what to do, that’s the brilliance of lunatic leadership, they always leave everyone impotent in their ability to make decisions because there is no logic, no history, no information upon which to make decisions. All everyone does is playing a guessing game, and those that have been inside the belly of its lunacy have some better brilliance at this guessing game, but ultimately, we never know what to do, so we do nothing. I have your picture on my desk, I don’t know why. I don’t want to forget you. Where you are. I don’t think you should be alone right now.
I looked at the picture and I was surprised. To be honest, you aren’t the same guy as three years ago. You look old, angry, and obstinate. But to me, and these are all just assumptions, you look hurt. All I want, selfishly, is to have an hour with you so I can make you laugh again, in that stupid way that I would, so I could see that you are still inside there.
I always think back to our nights walking the upper west side near school. The night we were in the diner and you had your note cards out, the things you had learned in class that you were so focused on.
I remember the last lunch we had at the World Bank. You were serious as usual but curious and still pressing about the perfect match we would make if I would only give in. We laughed. I wanted you to go back with your dreams, I believed in them too. We knew we were foolish. Only they could show us how much.

Esmesaida

8 AM in the office
the sweet bread
and jam
are the final flavors
of the week
twelve hours of travel
onto another planet
of blue waters
salty ham
and tomato water
on grainy sand-colored bread
drop me
in the middle
of the Mediterranean
held breath
deep down into the waters
hands push back
loads of water
deeper in
lungs
fill
and release
in a quick
ascent
breaking the sun lanced
surface
the rock
walls
encompass me

leftovers

I suppressed
and oppressed
what was inside
for six months
even longer
for you
and now that I have
stopped
I am a geyser
gushing
The power
of the flow
is unstoppable

august

You come around like
The high low chorus of secadas
In august
Their bouncy buzzing
Rises in intensity
Its melody leaves an imprint
In the silence
Replaced by the wind of nightfall
That blow the strands of hair
From my face
You are like the promise of summer
the adrenalin of a cliff jump
And the fear of an untouched
mountain peak
In solitude I guide myself
Towards you
I miss you like a vivid dream I can't remember

I'm back

sometimes
i am so overwhelmed
i want a chocolate icecream

SOLAR ECLIPSE

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/21/opinion/21iht-eddas.html

Make your wish!

Closing down

I am closing down
taking a break
retreating
leaving
shutting down
going in

We are not the things that happen to us.

sadness

the sadness
overwhelmed me
it has been some time
since i have felt
this slow
by pain
don't ask me
i don't know
i can't answer
maybe tomorrow
i can say the words
i miss you
maybe tomorrow
i can consider
how much i love him
today
i just need to
go in
and survive

sunday morning

The light was confused
Bright like a sunrise on the ocean
But white like the light of a downpour
I woke quietly this morning
And walked tenderly over the
moaning hard wood floors
The deep red carpet
Muzzled my footsteps
bouncing around the apartment
On my tip toes
I didn’t want to wake the downstairs
Neighbors
It isn’t fair that I wake so early on a Sunday morning
Fiona’s morning baby gibberish
Comes through the window
With a sea of buzzing air conditioners
Stuck in the sides of buildings
Like sebaceous cysts
the cool of an undecided rainfall
breezes through the apartment

Shame

Its a secret
unlike guilt
or embarrassment
is lives on its own
inside
it controls
and can conquer
the heart
and the soul
for years
probably
somebody gave it to you
sometime
when you were too little to
know
the hand-off was taking place
a country might be filled
with millions
of shamed women
who constantly
for years
seek retribution outside
never fully
finding it
inside

there was a period
of hopes and dreams
and now there is a period
of removing the film
that covers our eyes
no time for dreams
it is time only
for
immediate choices
immediate action
immediate movement
we know not what we give up
we know not what we gain
but the time for passive dreams
is over
the time for painful
abrupt and sudden change
has arrived
no more prayers
no more fantasies
the truth
is plain

now i think the fight is between
those that want to make a pure religious fascist dictatorship
and those that don't
and who embodies that
and how to get rid of them
peacefully
so that the whole government structure
doesn't fall apart
causing a long term crisis

the good news and the bad news

the good news is that this is a serious debate between the power holders in Iran, which is different from the past where it was the people versus the government, which means the fissures in power are being revealed and can result in change for the good.

the bad news is that to get control some parts of the government will start being brutal.

two articles on the sichuashion

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8101841.stm

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/world/middleeast/16cleric.html?_r=1&ref=global-home

Iran continued

What I hope:

I hope the government gives in a bit...recognizes the change in the population it governs and gives them a re-vote and this time counts the results.

And then when Ahmadinejad wins, I hope that he can't crack down on people's attire and the women's movement anymore bc he and Khamenei reason that the only way they will stay in power is by letting these people have some more rights.

elections

I was in Yerevan the day of the election and I went to the Iranian mosque and talked to some ahmadinejad supporters. I think its v possible that he won, I just don't think there is any way they could have known that saturday morning (tehran time) and by such margins that they declared. normally they display the votes in terms of the top two contenders, and have a run off. its hard to believe there was no need for a run-off this time.

thats why everyone is upset. they want fair elections at least at the counting the votes part. i have no idea why the government risked this by doing it so unfairly, but they did. looks like khamenei is going to try to make it legitimate with the probe. its a smart move. he best figure something out or the little bit of legitimacy they have left might be squeezed away from them. this is a political crisis and it will take serious savvyness to overcome on the part of the ruling elite.
i think the other problem is that this shines a light on the supreme leader and his rule. if he ignores the constitution and the rights granted to the people in the constitution so blatantly, he is in trouble.

i don't think they want a revolution, they just want fair counting of the votes. i wouldn't believe the foreign press regardless. its not a revolt.

12:52 AM

Surprising to say
The airport time had not been bad
It has everything
And is quite modern and clean
People have a lot of babies
And now as
I sit at the gate for my flight
The shine and money
Is traded for more humble
Attire reflecting more
Humble means
The men dominate the
Waiting room
And I am getting my latest dose
Of the fashions in pointy shoes for men
And black everything
For everyone
Two little boys ages 3 & 5in their navy suits
And white pointy shoes
Stare at the drunk Russian
Ordering the bar boys to prepare his drink
Just right
I guess that's what he is saying
He is so red in the face frustrated
W their incompetence
The bar boys just laugh
Here goes the stinky flight boarding
Plastic bags abound!

Sushi

Whats fabulous
About sitting in a sushi restaurant
In Moscow airport
Is all the rich Russians
That come by
The girls are
All skinny
And the styles are bold
And this is refreshing
Compared to the neutral colored
Washington dc
Here sparkles, sequins and gold
Are expected
The wilder the better
And matching wildness is the best
White jeans
White shiny shirt
White jean jacket
Oh yea

Twelve Hours in Moscow

Twelve hours in Moscow airport
I slept for the first two hours
While some kids ran around me
And some Spaniards spoke in front of me
Finally feeling rested
I went about the task of eating
It had been awhile
Found a sushi place
Sounded interesting to eat sushi in Moscow
So I did
It was warm sushi but yummy
The guy behind the bar was the best part
He looked at me and smiled when I ordered in English and body language
When the sushi was ready
He smiled again
Bon apetit
Sometimes people think I am French
Bc my style is a little fairy like
sometimes
It was that smile
Like I will take care of you with pride
And it feels so nice
And is irresistible
Though my sister
Would hate it
Saying its patronizing
And gross
And it is but it still feels nice
A smile
That says I got it under control
Those guys have helped me so many times
Showing me to taxis they trust,
Calling handy men,
Showing me where to buy internet cards,
Phone cards,
Those paternalistic men
Have been fatherly and protective
When I needed it
Its seven pm six more hours to go

Domoded

We left two hours later yesterday
thanks to some spectacular lightening
and thunder
so I missed the flight to Yerevan
and arrived to the airport in Moscow
having all that I expected
occur to me
there was one woman at the transit check-in desk
she has no computer
there is a phone,
a land line phone
after awhile more women
appear
and they hover behind her
and then they start saying
"United" "united"
looking for the united airlines phone number
one of them starts to pull out
paper being kept in plastic
paper covers
there are numbers on the page but no United number
after about 3 minutes
some one finds out the number
and gives it to the woman
with that burgundy pink hair color
that is so popular here
in this world
they all wear so much make up
that I stare, in my world,
nobody wears makeup
I have forgotten what it looks like
I look around while the women
do the telephone paper
dance
and I see passengers arriving
again high heels abound
things we just don't see in
Washington
I even saw a mini-skirt that
just covered the lower line of her butt
back to the desk of women
I start to wonder about my baggage claim ticket
and the only piece of paper that says I actually
have a flight
I gave them both to the desk of scantily
spread papers
I see one of the women pull out the phone number page
from its plastic cover
and write down the United Airlines phone number
for future notice of course
my shock is somewhat dulled
by my exhaustion and low expectations
but I am still surprised that
this is the first time they need the
number
given it is the transit check-in desk
then I am given the news
that we, the women, me, have to wait for the United people
to board the plane back to Washington
before they can come here to help
us
and thats a shame bc the next flight to yerevan just took off
and later, when I decide to ask,
I find out
the next flight is at 1 AM
its about 1:30 PM in Moscow now

On the way to Moscow en route to Yerevan

Sitting on the runway
And suddenly
Toenails that had never been clipped
Bc they had the color of dead people's
Toenails
Were sitting at my elbows
They came with feet that had black and gray
Stuff, toe jam, cotton or just floor crap picked up
By bare feet
Sprinkled all about
I didn't see these alien extremities
They were brought to my attention
By their smell
Where I started looking around
And found nothing
Until I looked down
The culprit
Was there
And I wondered
Was foot cleaning customary
In russia?

Can't be mixed

There is no science in my art
And there is little art in my science
they are completely
separate
and must not be mixed
only used in parallel

Even thought

a change might be coming
radical
and different
some thing right
and true
but even tho
its good to be
in the beautiful
place right before the change
where you can relax
in your surroundings
knowing you are leaving
and yet enjoying
the bits
you will miss
savoring all that
is here right now

Rain boat

this morning at 6 AM
my bed was floating in a river
of rain
it was dark
so I came in and out of sleep
like I was sleeping on a cloud
that roamed freely
on a roaring river

Take these barriers
real and imagined
and break them down.

the bird

In my chest
leaves bounced daintily
against a sweet breeze
across my skin
was like the light of
dusk reflecting off
the ocean
a round blue glass
filled with cold water
dripped tears
onto the breakfast table
a bird sputters away
from the windowsill
realizing I am near
her coat is the color
of woods

Rain

the trees make
black trimmed buoyant clouds
on the sidewalk
against the orange light
of the lamp post
the rains had fallen
so much this spring
that even the concrete was clean
it smelled
like the inside of a cut
leaf
the nectar
enhanced by the remaining mist
from the downpour

A+B= A+B

There is a linear way to live
and there is another way to live
Some places are easier when you live linearly
Some place are easier when you live non-linearly
I want to try to live non-linearly in a linear place

The Judgement

I thought the world was split in two.
Those that judged
and those that were judged.
Those that judge were the smart good valuable ones
those that were judged were worthless
I looked for the rules of the judges
and studied them
so I could be a judge too
I though I was in the group of being judged
I started to learn the rules of the judgers
and then I saw
that there aren't two groups
or even three
everybody seems
to make their own rules
with their own logic
it was all quite arbitrary
and so I realized
that I don't have to be a judge
and I can be judged
as long as I am doing what I like
it makes no difference to me

Nuance

Sometimes, when I'm looking for big obvious answers and conclusions I miss small hints and clues.

Scurry intimacy

Intimacy is scurry
because is someone says they love you
and then you show them
all of you
you know the
emotional
fallible
you
and they go away
then you really feel
unloved
and rejected
but its great too
because if they still love
you
then you feel really calm
and happy

All that is deserved

If you are good
and you are kind
if you seek
beauty and truth
and care mainly
and mostly
about love
if you come from love
and end in love
then all you deserve is love
people can write
it
people can explain it
but until you realize it yourself
until that moment
when you figure out
that the status quo
of always waiting
of always getting half
of what you give
is not okay
until that moment
you won't know
that you can have
much more

Disfunctional Family

Rationalization

The mind is naturally theorizing,
theorizing,
theorizing
uncomfortable
with not knowing
it theorizes

Success

A day outside
A day writing
A day managing
A day fundraising
A day teambuilding
A day accomplishing
A day listening
A day sitting
A day swimming
A day walking
A day meditating
A day cooking
A day negotiating
A day researching
A day framing
A day consoling
A day watching
A day performing
A day dancing
A day traveling
A day problem solving
A day laughing
A day losing
A day gaining
A day reading
A day raising
A day loving
A day being

The aggregate of days
is a lifetime
variety
is happiness
it seems
its just not one thing

Uncertainty

Old People

I think old people
know something
young people
don't
and it takes a lifetime
to learn it
that some things
can't be known
and can't be done
and life is not about that
its about living it
how it is
or something like that
I am too young to know

More on not obsessing

http://www.poetry-chaikhana.com/blog/2009/05/20/layman-pang-when-the-mind-is-at-peace/

Ambiguity

is gooey
and to make it go away
i wash
and wash
until
there is nothing

now I am going to sit
in it
and see what happens
when I don't know
how this minute
is gonna go

Its okay
not to know
over and over
again

Domination

What was special and strange about being in all that nature, in that valley of green was that for first time in a long time I felt like I was the minority and the guest, that the land was not controlled by me; as they flew from tree to tree, the birds ignored me and the hundred or so other humans lucky and hungry enough to be sitting and standing or dancing in the crook of those two Andean mountains ranges, the air and trees dominated over me, the sounds and rain came as they pleased, I was determined by them, and they were governed by their own laws, maps, design- the source and logic of which we had become too dense to understand- unlike the city where the squirrels, birds, trees fit neatly into my walk down the sidewalk to work, here, we had to follow nature’s way, and we were crap at it, though like a distant memory that one just cannot place, there was a sense that perhaps we once could, but we had become impotent, had forgotten something and couldn't remember what it was, it was like a faint scent of nostalgia,like remembering a smell from an estranged hometown in an abandoned country, this ability we once had to stay in the valley; as we stood out looking onto the valley the rain began to pour, unable to find what we had lost, we got into the taxi and left for the restaurant.

Trust

the trees
don't hide
when the
sun shines bright
and they don't
hide when the rain
comes down
they just grow
grow
grow

Today
If I looked inside
there would be a big bright light
hiding under a blanket

Working

When I work many 12 hour days in a row
I start to look like I am a hundred years old
and I lose joy
and smiles
I just feel robotic
and I get so grateful
for the days
when I used to play
more

Steam

Steam danced gracefully
in the space above
the hot dark tea
the white air
did turns and moved
around like a belly
dancer moving her
hips
and then stretching up
into the sky
like a ballerina
and then disappearing

a slow Al Green
love song
plays respectful
of the slow
quiet morning

Im outta here!!

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

This movie is making me want to finally leave this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was meant to be in the wild!!!!!!!
No more linear processes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From the earth To the earth!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heavy Drops

the rain fell
hard against concrete
I laid in observance
of it
on my bed
at 9 PM
It tapped on air conditioners
and fences
though the drops were not many
it wasn't a flood
each one
hit hard
I thought about the end
and how these drops
are what I will miss

Summer Possibility

Summer afternoon
came in spring
barbeques
and beer
The possiblities
of summer
peaked their heads
it was an unknown
we were all
grateful for

Expectations Confidence and Mood

Lessons lesson lessons, they seem to be happening every day these days. What ever happened to the days of free floating daydreaming and no responsibilty? Now it seems I have to learn ten things every day.

Today I learned what it can feel like if someone doesn't trust your work, doesn't put confidence in you, and treats you like an idiot even though you are trying your hardest.

It wasn't me that wasn't trusted, but I learned from watching that it can really break down a person's ability to succeed.

Skeptics and critics

Those that do not trust are not to be trusted.

Skeptics and critics

Those that do not trust are not to be trusted.

RESPONSIBILililililiilililiITIES ties TIES TIES TES TE SSSSS STIE STIE STIE

MAKE ME WANT TO ESCAPE

What it feels like to be in the tiny little space

of right now.

I had a brief moment of apathy last night and this morning where I cared little about all that I wasn't doing or being and cared only about very basic things like sleeping, eating, and going to work.

It was strangely very calming.

Cool technology- not sure how necessary tho

http://www.awayfind.com/

For when you are traveling and you want to differentiate between urgent and not urgent emails.

http://www.rememberthemilk.com/

For task lists. I downloaded a cheaper version for my iphone "remind me".

Immigrants part two

The kids of immigrants also rebel in ways their parents couldn't.

Immigrants

the kids of immigrants work to achieve what their parents couldn't.

Don't

be what you aren't. Spent the day trying to become an expert on something to write on it, only left me frustrated, and with nothing written.
Lesson: don't try to become an expert in 8 hours.

I hate not knowing what I don't know.

Find the problems; seek them out

Its funny how scared I am to ask hard questions because I am scared of the answers. I am usually scared that people won't live up to what I need from them or that they will not be happy with me, still like me after I probe. There ain't nothing to be scared of. Solutions arise only after problems come to the surface.

First Woman in 341 years

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/02/world/europe/02poet.html?ref=global-home

Flying

The quiet of flying
must be like the quiet
of morning
the mind of flying
must have the stillness
of a glass of water
the breeze of flying
must be like
the touch of gentle hand
on the face
the humility of flying
must be like
facing death
flying
must be like
realizing
that all we do
down here
is rather silly

Purty Purty Lovey Dovey

its fun to shoot for the stars but its too much some times

When there is a feeling that there is more I could be doing and I am not, I feel crappy. But therein lies another problem, bc its two things yes, I have a destiny/purpose something I want to do and need to do that gives me a sense of self-worth BUT I need to stop holding such high expectations of me and my life, at least slow it down a bit, and remember over and over again that I am where I am supposed to be. The more I expect from me, the unhappier I am.

And and and...just realizing that I don't have to be a super star to be important, special or worthy.

Revolution

Know why I like this web 2.0 stuff?

Bc its super democratic, and it’s the new wave of capitalism, its not about us consuming what we are given by a select group of people, its about us consuming something we are part of creating, us determining what is important,

And about open source software- its about getting something catered and tailored for a person or for a group, without feeling like its some product or something that someone owns that only has value because it has to be paid for, no actually it has value bc its valuable to a person or a group of peopel, and i don't have to pay for it, I only have to pay to maybe fix it up a bit, its not exclusionary like capitalism is, like "i can't share this, or give this" bc then someone will steal it or steal my profit, nope its like there is plenty to go around, and actually we don't need so much bloody profit going to the one lucky dude that figured it out in the first place, in fact we share software and development for other reasons, because its fun to be challenged, its fun to use your brain, to work with people as curious and motivated to create as you are. thats the new wave. we do our work bc we like it, we work with others bc it motivates us, makes our lives more fulfilled, profit is soo 2000s! and whatever we create, we don't exclude others from using it to make their lives better.

Status Quo

How comfortable is the status quo? The predictable? Comfortable enough so that we don't do the work to do what we really want to do?

Freedom to Violate

At 8PM I left my office and walked home. I walked down the same crowded main neighborhood street right between Dupont Circle and Adams Morgan that I walk down every morning and every evening. Monday night I walked home at 11PM, without a worry because the neighborhood is tame and full of world bank, NGO, law professionals.
I was enjoying the cool breeze and the sunset when suddenly a man on a bike rides past me and says something and grabs my arm. Startled I yell “what the fuck.” I stand there in complete confusion and disbelief that someone had grabbed me in such an aggressive way. I stand there knowing that it wasn’t because I was in his way. I know something weird just happened.
Then I see him turn around and I feel very uncomfortable. I am not sure why but it all feels creepy and unsafe. I am standing there in tight skirt, flat shoes and laptop computer, my self-defense mechanisms of running, kicking, pulling felt completely unrealistic. I felt cornered. Then I feel him ride his bike slowly behind me and he is apologizing for startling me, and says “I think the hairs on your arms are sexy” and then I know something is wrong. I said “you shouldn’t touch people like that.” And he continues to ride slowly alongside me as I walk. Eventually he gives up and says “okay have a good day” and with that he grabs my arm again, holding it until he has pedaled away.
What amazes me is how fast he had all the power. As soon as normal boundaries are overstepped, it was like I was totally powerless. With him on a bike, and me alone and in shitty shoes and a tight skirt, I felt really limited. But not only that, I was shocked, he could touch me! Nobody can touch me without my permission, how could he, whenever he wanted? And that’s when I realized that I take for granted that those rules will be obeyed.
There are things I could have done. I could have gone into the street, to give others visibility if anything else happened. I could have looked him straight in the face for longer than I did. I wanted him to go away and I didn’t want to give him any more attention, and ultimately I think that’s why he did ride his bike away.

the good news

the good news
is that we
forget
why we are
where we are
and we get grumpy
and irritated
and annoyed
at it
this place
that we are
and then
something happens
a synapse fires off
neurons, healthy ones,
start working
and we remember
exactly
the
reasons
why
we came here
in the first place
all the things
that make it good
and we smile
real big
thankful
that we didn't
leave

Maz Jobrani

My sister and I sat at the top of the auditorium. First we observed the plastic surgery, wondering why we were the only Iranian women that hadn’t ever gotten plastic surgery. Some of the nose jobs looked cheap, some looked like art-perfectly chiseled cartilage. A group of girls was split up by the numbers on the their tickets, and unable to face this limitation on their social time, the one separated from the rest of the crew looked at her friends “manam mikhaam baa shoma beshinam” in a sort of baby voice that in my perspective made her seem like a complete child but in their context was her way to get her friend to say “come sit here no one cares.” And so she got the encouragement she was looking for and dragged her boyfriend with her.
Next came the idiot couple. She was hot. And had an eating disorder. He was mohawky and wore expensive jeans. Neither knew how to relate numbers and letters on their tickets to the numbers and letters marking the rows and seats. We watched them walk all the way down the right aisle in front of us, walk back, her in something like 4 inch heels, then they walked all the way down the left top row only to walk back down an aisle lower down and sit in the two seats right at the edge of the aisle.
Next came the first mixed couple, a hot and stylish Iranian girl, with an equally hot and stylish black guy. They struggled a bit their tickets. Actually, most people we watched struggled with their tickets.
Then came the super control freak white woman with bangs hair sprayed into straight lines on her forward so that she had a perfect rectangle and her Iranian boyfriend. They were earlier, around 35, and would most definitely be divorced in 5-7 years.
The Iranian Dolly Parton made an appearance somewhere far in the distance. Thanks to her big blond hair, it wasn’t hard to spot her though she was many rows down.
The mid-forties wanna-be artists couple showed up too. Both of them wore black shirts, jeans, and he had not one, but two pony tails.

You really need financial peace and free time to find yourself. The distractions of survival, people and jobs can prevent it.

Hallelujah

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/23/may-it-please-the-court/

Sometimes

I work so much that my brain can't rest. I have to stop, put my hand on my heart, and follow my breath to get out of my head.

The Ugly Side of Awmrika

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/23/opinion/23soufan.html?em

Friends

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html?_r=1&em

Immigrants

There is a population of people out there that no matter how much I want to understand, I won't because I am not them. Immigrants do the miraculous. Beyond all the struggle of a new language, a new culture, the daily struggle, immigrants do something else. They lower their expectations of what they had hoped to be down to what the world allows them to be. And they do that everyday.

Sometimes

you gotta feel worse
to feel better

and you gotta stop
and change direction
to move forward

Aloof

I keep trying
The white sky
The sound of cars
Making waves
In the rain filled streets
The cloudiness

Loss of social norms

that promote civility between men and women...?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/14/health/14klas.html?em

I'm totally overwhelmed but it will be okay

I think writing happens when we need it to, it’s like a personal intervention

peace

Is knowing that the answers will come. They always do. Knowing that we are doing exactly what we should be doing. And we will get what we need, if not what we want.

the alienation of the modern day worker

These days, going to work feels like some sort of surreal dream, where I don't really recognize the people, the atmosphere, or the tasks required of me. I wonder if they can see me as I sit at my desk. I kind of think I am invisible. I read things on my computer but my brain doesn't know how to process them, much less add to them. I see indicators and targets and my brain is passive. I have no targets, just daydreams. I have no indicators, just images in my mind.

Too much sales pitch, not enough product

I feel the need to expose the tourist trap of wine country in California. As my colleague says "too much sales pitch, not enough product."

The wines were overpriced, the tastings cost money, it was couple hell, and overall, extremely superficial.

I recommend Sonoma valley back country instead.

Architect is recognized

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/13/arts/design/13pritzker.html?_r=1&hpw

"You can do your work, you do your thing, and it gets recognized,”

Long distance relationship part six

Long distance relationships are a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that the time spent together is focused solely on each other, something modern day live-in couples seem to have problems doing. Between errands, work, and maintaining hobbies and friendships, couples that live together seem to rely on tiny moments before bed when they are exhausted to connect with each other. The other option is weekend mornings when they prefer just to relax rather than find out how the other is doing.

So those of us in long distance relationship get unfiltered, concentrated, and insulated time together where emails are not checked, phones do not ring, all there is the two of us. For any human, the individual care and attention of another for a prolonged period is just plain nice.

And then comes the curse. Because the time is sacred, so valuable, so special, it is often allocated towards the enjoyable, the pleasant, the escape rather than towards the difficult conversations, the discovering,explaining and discussion of concerns. Often the conversations occur, but they are rarely resolved as the weeks and time that is needed to address them slowly and gently are not available. So these relationships can both prolong an unsuccessful coupling as well as prevent one.

I have seen long distance couples take the plunge, make the move, and make it happen. I have seen others prolong. The difference between the two? It reminds me of something my friend told me. His girlfriend asked her dad when she was young what love is and her father responded "timing."

Lost

I was lost
lost lost
It was all doomed
where was I going
what was it
all for?

hallelujah

good shit happens

got sick

shut down

deadlines
passed

obligations
were overlooked

time passed
in quiet
solitude

Thirty seconds

Change is like
walking down
a path
looking down
thinking about
the things
you always think
about
and then stopping
still
for thirty seconds
looking around.
Then you turn around
walk back
looking up
and take another path.

You Have to Push Yourself

over that margin
from good
to really nice.

Lazy Love

I thought about you
Today
Hoped I saw you
Walk by
Hoped you would
Come in
And say hello
These were my hopes
However shocking
They be
For I never imagined
I would return to a place
Where your company
Is what I seek
I know
Exactly
What it was
Our pact
To hold each other
Tightly
Despite it all
Your reliable
Reliable presence
The devotion
I could feel
In the space
Between us
You wouldn’t
Couldn’t not
Love me
And I wouldn’t
Couldn’t
Not love that
I reach out my hand
I know a kiss
Would be so easy
How is it so
After all that?
Two years ago.
We were complicit
You and I
lazy
In our weaknesses

eco-marriage

http://ourworld.unu.edu/en/2009/03/17/will-you-eco-marry-me/

Sometimes

you don't have the answer
it has to come to you

Artsy Website I like

http://www.booooooom.com/

http://ifitshipitshere.blogspot.com/

Don't

Doubt
Yourself

waiting for others

Then and then
it happens
that brief
fleeting moment
when
you are actually
leading the way
when
you are actually
doing the right
thing
when things
are
working out
and you
realize you
have been right
all along
just waiting
for others
to catch on...

Assert

1. To state or express positively; affirm: asserted his innocence.
2. To defend or maintain (one's rights, for example).

To put into words positively and with conviction: affirm, allege, argue, asseverate, aver, avouch, avow, claim, contend, declare, hold, maintain, say, state. Idioms: have it. See affirm/deny/argue.

-answers.com

Blond

A woman went to flower market. She was seeking some beauty, something with color and light, something with ultimate meaning. Her day was full of excel files, budgets, and numbers. Numbers that said no, no, no. She was 38, blond. Her hair was long and full of life as if she was 15. It was pulled back in a loose pony tail. She had a long face and strong bones, she was stunning, actually. The market was on the corner of two streets that formed a triangle. As she stood in front of the remarkable flowers, she was grateful that there were so many for her to look at and enjoy. It wasn’t just carnations or roses, this florist had too much art in him, and he picked and imported his flowers like they were chocolate, knowing that the tiniest detail made a difference. It was like a painting before her, something to stare at for awhile, the skinny petals, the fat ones, the ones that looked like stars and the ones that looked like the sun. She must have stayed there for an hour. Then the light on the flowers changed as the sun sunk into the ground and from behind her the night shown over her shoulders. She began to cry as the sensation of the flowers and the setting light overwhelmed her senses.

Hmmm..

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/19/fashion/19brown.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Why?

By the way

the first day of the rest of my life...when was that? three four days ago. Thats been rough ;)

But

can we avoid it being a revolution? Revolutions always are way too distructive and screw up society...the sexual revolution removed all protection of women in society, the Islamic revolution got rid of all options for a balanced society...

How about a socialist review?

Or just more regulation please?

AIG brings in the socialist revolution...tank you...

"As a businessman of some 37 years, I have seen the good side of capitalism. Over the last few months, in reviewing how A.I.G. had been run in prior years, I have also seen evidence of its bad side.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/19/business/19web-aig.html?hp

The Socialist Revolution begins

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aqT1gxZQmVh4&refer=home

Changing my population

Im changing my population
the place I used to sit
in the crowd
I am moving to a
different place
different people around
a momentum
has begun
and all the beggars
and cheaters
and liars
have been left
behind

Love is

believing in the truth
in people

facing the reality
of situations

and letting it
wash over you

Change is totally

POSSIBLE

Congratulations!

This is the first day
of the rest of your
life.

Consistency

Is hard to learn
but important
for trust
to build

and magic

happens
every day

magic

happens
every day
with you

How

did I get here
so far from there?
When did it happen?
When did I ease up
on myself?
And start enjoying this?
thank goodness
it happened

some battles

have to be fought
to learn
that they should never
be fought again

Haft-sin

seeing the table
and all its parts
its color
its life
its nature
I remember
the beginning
of us

Rebellion

There is a rebellion
within me
it doesn't want to check
twice
it doesn't want to
be sure
it wants to throw it
to the wind
let someone else
put on the finishing touches
someone else can bog
down
but me, I want to fly

Suffering

Human suffering
is a common denominator

Human fallibility
is the bridge
between us

happiness

happiness is
feeling totally confident
that you can figure it out

you are like
faintly knowing something
for a very long time
and then
seeing it in real life

Silence of Beauty

It sounds like the silence of early morning snow
When the city shuts down
And we steal the morning

Winter Luminecence on a soft ivory bed
The sensation is like a volcano
that constantly erupts from inside your chest
instead of hot lava
it pushes out butterflies
That fly into the bedroom leaving
Drops of
Sincerity in their path
It is as warm as a sleepy kiss
That starts slow and opens up
Gradually into a complicit wave of passion
It looks like four eyes looking out the window
Faces touch
As we lay
Intertwined
Stopping time

you remain

when you are here
there seems no other way
when you are gone
it too seems the only way
the only way you
remain always
and consistent
is in the feeling
inside
my chest

cried

tears
tears
of joy
again
and again

left

for awhile
went into a tunnel
of beauty
winter respite
into the tiny
molecules
that bounce
between two

everyone

has a challenge
something
they know of
or don't
that they should
work against
figuring it out
is hard
working against it
is hard too
but the results
are fast

the struggle

is figuring out
what is right
taking in
thousands of
expert opinions
and figuring
out what the truth is
its a good struggle
it hones
the very powers
we have been endowed with

moving

there is a feeling
when you are finally
getting in the game
doing the deed
making the decisions
moving forward
forward
forward
and its good.

Savor

I savor
this feeling
the anticipation
excitement
desire
of you
to arrive
the imagining
of our time
our world
our space
our smell
our air
us
i savor
this feeling
of knowing
its coming
us
and my chest
flutters
and warms
and my
mouth stretches

Sometimes after a big meeting
when people have
critically reviewed
the project
that is my baby
and I had to defend
failures
I feel very tired
and empty after.

Revolutionary Road

Was intense, but went too extreme, so that it was hard to relate to...which is the good news I suppose, that we women don't live in the 50s anymore...

don't wait
for tomorrow to
get started on your life
but don't rush
something that
ain't ready

life

And then life was long.
A 97 year old woman
smiles in bed
next to her best friend
the one shes known
for 82 years.
Life is long
and short?

it was time

and suddenly time
was short
and thirty years
was too long
not to have
gotten what I wanted
it was time to move
incubation was over
excuses were spent
it was time to move
too many things were
far away
that needed to come close
I had to make it happen

Blanket they use in X-rays

The sadness
Came over me
Like a
Metal blanket

news

time passed too fast
since we found out
7 became 10
10 became midnight
I couldn't get out
of bed
to catch a bus
to NY
I laid
and laid
and laid
some more
my brain becoming
mush
my heart growing
more delicate
I had no thoughts
and no energy
I tried to
become rational
I was a
zombie

It is the tiniest, most minuscule details in the love between two people

you start living

What happens when its all okay
When everything is as it should be
and life moves steadily along
What happens
when you trust
that you can weather
any storm
and love is the
thread and fiber
of your skin
when your muscles
become loose
and relaxed
and the day starts and ends
without suffering

knowing
the good
is powerful

cloudy day for the universe

things are confused
files can't be found
documents are lost
emails are missing
familial obligations
are not met
processes are hard to
establish and follow
the brain is cloudy
plans can't be made
too many details are
dangling
hard to
locate
and pin down
schedules
don't coincide
bad news comes
and comes
lay offs
and
ginsburg has cancer
its a cloudy day for
the universe

little failures

some days
are meant
for failure
teaching
a soul
how to sustain
multiple blows
to immerse
in all the people
and projects
that one does wrong
knowing that something
will be learned
when the day
of failure
passes
and that there is no blame
in this game

Se fueron las nubes

Se fueron las nubes
Y llegaron de nuevo
La lluvia
Vino en un tormente
Y salio por la mañana

Hoy las olas
Se ponen fuerte
Abajo del agua
los corrientes
dan empujones


El sol baila con el viento
El viento toca los arboles
Las ramas estiran
sobre los arboles
balanceando de un lado a otro
como un bailador

Obamaaaaaaa

Maybe it's just the new york times obsession with him that's painting my opinion but the guy drinks honest tea. And walks around the office. It's a style thing and it's thoughtful.

art

When I look at a drawing of a person, I look at that person as living.
I don't know how to explain it, but a photograph to me is always
a reminder of how the person was on a certain day in that certain
light fixed. When I look at a watercolor' of that same person, it
seems to me alive, more open than a photograph.
::: Francesco Clemente :::

we needed silence

We needed the quiet of winter
The sky spread out white
And close by
Like the Blanket of snow on
The morning ground
The haevy calm of snow and ice
Silenced the animals
And the cars
Time was delayed
By winter

winter crackle

The gentle sound of winter static
Was intermittently broken
By chimes made of freezing rain hitting metal frames
And the crackle of ice cold peices falling onto a
ir conditioners, window sills and trees

Western vs Eastern Love

Apparently all spiritual love poetry confuses the reader. Is it a mortal or is it god that the poet is desperate for? And all spiritual poetry is somewhat obsessed with wine, in Hafez, wine is the method for reaching an enlightened state, metaphorically or maybe not...and reading the Song of Solomon today, it seems there the beloved is likened to the taste of wine and the look of grapes on the vine (rather sensual). I think the difference is in the martyrdom and unrequited love aspects that exist in Eastern religious poetry (qualify that, Persian religious poetry) and less in Western religious poetry.

Just a thought...

true human needs

true human needs, such as learning, mutually supportive relationships, autonomy, and safety (Crocker & Nuer, 2004; Crocker & Park, 2004; Deci & Ryan, 2000).

The core idea of personal autonomy is to have personal rule of the self while remaining free from controlling interference by others. The autonomous person acts in accordance with a freely self-chosen and informed plan. A person of diminished autonomy, by contrast, is in at least some respects controlled by others or is incapable of deliberating or acting on the basis of his or her own plans.- answers.com

Updike

But I do like Rabbit Run. And the other book is “To The lighthouse” by Virginia Woolf. And one book that I liked two years ago was “Mating” about a development freak and his phd student (female)… female voice or what about Milan kundera “laughing and forgetting” which I left in a hotel in the mountains of Georgia and I only had a chapter left…or orhan pamuk’s “snow” which I didn’t finish bc it was too intense but good or this historical novel about edgar allen poe which I lost in the doctor’s office so I never finished although I had two or three pages left. I really like historical novels. That was my phase of losing books. I haven’t lost a book in a long time. Its all part of maturity I suppose. Two years ago I read “love and beauty” about two best friend writers and one of them dies bc she has this horrible jaw problem that depresses her. thats by my other favorite writer who is based in Nashville ann patchett. I have a book of hers now but I haven’t started it. And I loved Junot Diaz The Amazing Brief life of Oscar Wao or something like that.

On the other hand, the positive emotional affect following success in a domain of contingency may become addictive for the highly contingent individual (Baumeister & Vohs, 2001). Over time, these people may require even greater successes to achieve the same satisfaction or emotional "high". Therefore, the goal to succeed can become a relentless quest for these individuals (Crocker & Nuer, 2004).

The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them. -George Orwell, writer (1903-1950)

I know what it feels like when everything is okay.

snow ignored

the snow came sideways
nonchalantly
as if its a regular
in this town
we all walked
indifferently as if
we know what its like
as the ground
covered in chalk
and 9-6
began
the snow came
vertically
bouncing down
pass the window
and we all ignored it
while we checked off
our task lists

Far From Play

one of those days
those quiet
creeping Sundays
meaning is unapparent
hiding itself
under work and analysis
to be done
deadlines to be met

the weekend frivolity
dominated by
responsibility
a going away
in a direction
far from play
closer to maturity

day of meditation

the bright light
of the sun
was ignored
the crisp morning
air was avoided
eyes gazed down
making strides on the
concrete

suddenly
a chin lifted
and through eyelashes
sun lashed down
on the cocoon
of down feathers
and wool scarves
there was no escape
it was a effervescent day
of solitude

His job is already done

A friend asked me whether I think the world will actually change as a result of the Obama presidency. Obama is a symbol and icon of perseverance, opportunity, intellect, difference and equality. Whereas Bush's persona made any one that is not a white, christian, frat boy or sorority girl feel left out, Obama is the metaphor that everyone fits in and everyone has a chance if they work and try hard enough. All that has an impact, a subtle and powerful impact on the way people view their own options and choices. For eight years, most people felt completely impotent, like we just had to accept the harsh rules of life. Now a sort of assumption has been created which is more powerful that each of our failures are our own.

And one other thought. I was booking a hotel in Canada yesterday and the woman said "I wish I was there yesterday." A big chunk of the world was united for a day and for the first time it wasn't because of disaster, it was for positive change and this is very powerful. So in many ways, Obama's job is already done.

Inauguration Day

I wasn't too cold, we had found a spot to the east of the capitol on the dirt. Somehow at my angle the sun shined directly on my face through a tall and bare winter tree. The very tall guy in front of me kept turning around to talk to his very short girlfriend behind him, so depending on the position of his shoulders I could see the screen in the trees perfectly or not at all. To my right was the steps of the capitol and the stage. Although I could see all of that, I couldn't really make out who was there, or even where the podium was.

We watched all of the various senators and VIPs enter the stage, many were cheered, and only Lieberman and Bush were booed. When Bush came out we all looked at each other, is this appropriate? to boo the president? And thats why being American is so great. Of course you can boo the president. And so the crowd of millions did. Looking at Bush's face during the ceremony, he looked unhappy. I am not sure if that was his sad to leave face or his sad I am hated face, but there was little joy.

Maybe it was where we were standing, but I didn't feel I was in a crowd of millions, but in a crowd of a hundred, all I could see were the heads around me and their feet on the ground. It was all local, my inauguration experience. At times I would try to look behind the heads around me to see the sea of people on the mall. It was a rather inconceivable sight. My brain had a hard time conceptualizing that many people so close by.

When the quartet began to play, the stillness and beauty of the music calmed us into observance. The trees and sky were open and the sun continued to blare down behind a thin curtain of winter haze. I looked up at a tree and wondered how many of these it had seen.

We could barely hear the oath, and upon its end, we thought we had been attacked as the cannons were fired off one by one. The floor shook and by the second or third shot we collectively realized, thanks to the large TV screen, that this was part of the inauguration. It was a nice feeling, the shaking of the ground, physically moving us all up to the immensity of the transition.

Strangely enough, being there was distracting, the little concerns of seeing the screen and the cold filled my focus. As Obama began his speech I felt I was in ballet class again, stretching my neck and back the most possible to see his face as he spoke. I thought of how difficult it must have been to try to live up to the expectations of that speech, how significant it was intended to be. And despite the pressure, he delivered. It was a less preacher like speech like Kennedy. It was a smart speech, clarifying through metaphors what his presidency would signify for various groups of people around the world. I couldn't help but nod my head in approval after certain phrases or points were made.

I have rarely heard politicians speak, but when he or she describes more eloquently,and articulates precisely my sentiments, the surprise and delivery gives a feeling of pure satisfaction.

That evening as I walked to the store and forced myself to reflect on the day's events, I came up with a strange conclusion. Being so close to the capitol building and having the crowds behind me so that I couldn't see them, and the media largely missing from the affair, I realized how plain and human all of the people on the stage were. It occurred to me that the powerful may not be exceptionally wiser, or convey a quality that we, the people, lack. In fact, they may be more fallible, they are definitely more vulnerable, and in so many ways senators and cabinet members impact us less than the Apple engineer, facebook programmer or the tv writer.

Obama seemed like a normal guy with great intellect and gusto, ready to try to solve the hardest problems. And George Bush looked like a man who was tired of his job, confused about its success, ready to go home.

My Predictions

Iran- Obama will get frustrated with Iran. They will not be able to negotiate because various preconditions on the American side (such as ditching the notion for regime change) will not occur, unless they put in their super star old school diplomatic core negotiators. On the Iran side I think its too dynamic internally to cut any real deals. You have to move from deal to deal, relying on different groups to push them through.

Government- I think things will be more nuanced, more intellectual, less ideological which will make it harder to be productive. My biggest fear is liberal intellectuals because they are so obsessed with being right, I am worried they would rather win the debate according to the latest theories than get at the right decision using executive know-how and common sense.

But of course in general it will be all good, because some of the people Obama is bringing in to the White House are real liberals, though he is staying more conservative in cabinet positions, he is still pushing more than anyone before I think.

And then I realized, more fully, how powerful these things are. Love and life and time are of their own force, they have their own source of energy, we neither control that source, nor its use. All we can do is respect it and let it happen as it does. Those are the mysteries of our existence, to enjoy life is to stand in their presence and wonder and marvel at them as they happen, to stand in the face of life, love, and time and be part of it, in all its emotion. It takes very little work to simply allow it to be, but somehow we have notions of how it should be and that makes us work too hard.

Three Lives

She walked off the metro stuffed in black down coat, black boots and a hat. She pulled out her smart trip card, swiped it on the scanner of the turnstile and walked on through. She put on her gloves as she walked and began to climb the extra deep escalator stairs passing the people who chose to stand. The cold had calmed down, it did that a lot at night, feeling warmer than the morning walk to work. She slipped on to the sidewalk and headed home.

The walk finally allowed her time to her own thoughts, to her own self, she thought of her two other lives, her secret lives, the ones you couldn’t see if you spied on her everyday, watching her on her walk to work and home. Her second life, was the one no one could touch, the one that only had space for one, where her heart and light sit, where her ideas dance and contract, her internal odyssey, her personal creative playground, her endless curiosity. Her third life was one she had infrequent but intense contact with, it was adventurous and daring, vulnerable and satisfying, unknown and serendipitous. It was her escapade with him. She carried these two lives inside her, walked around with them, pulled them out when she had a break, smiled and cried with them, put them back inside and went on.

She pulled the keys from her bag and unlocked the door. She couldn't avoid thinking about her sister. But she couldn't really come to any terms with the situation now, she was spent, tired, worthless at the end of the day. The building was warm, heavy warm, uncomfortable for her face that was just getting used to the 20 degrees outside. She opened the door, turned on the soft floor lamp, hung up her coat. She walked into her bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed, unzipped her boots, and paused. She looked up at the wall, her drawers at eye level, the soft light of the lamp felt like winter light. It was another end to another day, full of stress and excitement, full of bad news and reasons to smile, just full, the days were just full. In the silence of her little private space, her apartment, she finally escaped all the responsibility to simply recognize the immensity.

She placed her boots in the corner of the room and took of her clothes, put on her pajamas and put everything away. She walked barefoot on the relaxing wood floor. She poured a glass of water and stood in the middle of the kitchen. It was all indulgent, the moments of quiet escape, isolation, her sanctuary. She called her sister, turned off her living room lamp and retired to her bedroom to read the novel he bought her, that she reads slowly so that it doesn't end too quickly.

a passing time

grandparents are everything, they are our history, our connection to a very different time, our connection to the parts of ourselves we don't understand, and they are a great symbol of how safe we actually are in this world.

At seven AM
in the kitchen
pajamas and turkey bacon
between the coffee
and annie lennox
she found her at 17
rejection abound
and foreboding
a huge canyon
dug back then
she hadn't been able
to traverse since
legs bent
head forward
ceaseless energy
to try again
she turned around
the hole was behind her
she was already
on the other side
she must have walked across
in her sleep
before her was endless blue sky
blinding sunshine
and open plains

Lush

then it was
one of those moments
maybe a minute
or a series of seconds
when everything was okay
when she trusted
it all
she did not worry
she couldn't comprehend
fear
she just was
there was no such thing
as failure
there was no such thing
as lost time
it all had its own
metaphysical
purpose
and her triumph
or at least survival
was guaranteed
it was a lush moment
of contentment

stole the sunday

stole the sunday
daydreaming
creating
too old for that
unfortunately
that'll never change
occupied a space
left an aroma
cooked and cleaned
remembered his forearms
while i wiped the counter
bought fresh bread
in the freezing cold
indulged in my fortunate
circumstance

The Fall

two hands in a pocket
the exact same walking pace
cobblestones
and alley ways
thin undrivable streets
cafes
we sing and talk in
dark old movie theatres
flamenco good and bad
on a small stage
the hairs raise on my skin
i squeeze your leg
bread and tomatoes the
way they were meant
to taste
for breakfast
wine at 3PM
a vertical line
on your face
my marking point
as we walk
afternoons
into endless nights
underneath
the cold winter
air
and the
drinking chocolate
it happens
7 days
warm skin
soft light
crawl into bed
lips meet
in the middle

Images flash before my eyes
Like a hallucinating drunk
I see us playing, singing
like two lost souls
indulging in being
found

it was like spending
hours with a best friend
who likes everything I like
and since I like strange things
that was strange

Then she settled in. And loved. loved. loved.

She had never been so vulnerable. She had never loved so deeply nor respected a man so much. She struggled to be so vulnerable. She felt so much for him.

afternoon passed

The afternoon came, the day passed, meetings filled the time and space in her mind but she knew, that later, much later, after dinners and drinks and walks with friends, she would return to him, to them, just right before she closed her eyes, he would be there before her eyes, making her laugh endlessly.

She dared to play a song as she typed on her computer, checked emails. The song came on and she saw him, sitting next to her, mimicking the words to the song, using hand gestures as if he had an audience of 100,000 standing before him. Basic moments turned into gold.

the silent archives

The next morning she resembled the day before only slightly, wearing the coat they bought together. She woke, showered, packed her bag, picked up her phone and stepped outside in the cold as always. She walked, holding memories of Madrid, memories of the week inside her, picking a few to look at during her walk. She walked into the bakery, ordered the eggs and bagel, a breakfast so vastly different from those of the last week. She stood in line, paid and walked out.

So much had happened, and the archives were preserved solely inside them, walking in different hemispheres.

And Then I Smiled

Staring into blue
In the quiet of the night
even Madrid was still