Worrying

It was in the New York Times magazine, some people are just more worry prone than others and depending on the environment, they can become less or more. It was me in an article. So the next time I felt calm and confident (like right now) that everything was going to be okay, I wanted to describe it to myself so I can get here again, should I feel worried about something later.
Right now, I feel I could worry about a lot of things. The way I misspoke to my best friend and possibly hurt her feelings, the way my savings is pathetic and I could be screwed if I was fired or laid off, the way I took the day off and my staff is probably scrambling to meet deadlines that I should be helping them with, the way I have no idea what is good or bad or whether the current relationship I am in will last, the way I have gained weight over the summer, the way I probably offended my cousin yesterday, how my sister is and what I should do to take care of her, all of this, sits somewhere in my mind and tends to freak me out.

For awhile I thought I had to just work through each worry and I would be okay, which ultimately meant I had to sit out of life for periods of time. Now I know if it isn’t one worry, it will be something else, that I will always find something to worry about or fear, because there is always something to worry about or fear. So now I am practicing, not avoidance, but letting go. Letting go of everything I can’t control, and even the stuff I can, so at least I can live and be and produce and accomplish.

Its as if I am changing the way I see the world from real problems I need to solve to a game of fake problems my mind creates for me to be distracted by. Its like having schizophrenia and knowing when the other voices are coming and knowing how to ignore them. Some of these concerns are real and important. And if they are, they will come up in due time, and I can deal with them then.