Shock

I don’t get shocked. I am not sure why and who cares why any way. I just don’t. Loyal couples cheat,  people die, world trade center gets bombed, wars start and end, people are unlawfully incarcerated, bankers get paid a percentage of our GDP while everyone else goes broke, nothing surprises me. I think I turned cynical day two of my life. Just opened my eyes and saw all that wasn’t right or safe and expected it.

Though I never accepted it. I am also deeply idealistic. It doesn’t make sense to most Americans, being idealistic and cynical at the same but it’s completely rational in Iran.  We have the world’s only theocracy. There is so much idealism in that you can’t imagine. One dude is empowered by god to do right by all of us.  No checks, no balances. Utopia. And then he doesn’t and no one does and we go to jail for farting and thus cynicism develops at a very young age. Not that I was born or raised in Iran. I wasn't. 

I felt shock for the first time that night. You stood before me and told me you weren’t coming home with me.  I didn't even know it was an option. She stood behind you while you said it. I asked you 'are you going home with her?' And you didn’t respond.  I looked at you in the eyes. I was shocked.

I thought too much was between us for that to happen.  Right now you would respond ‘but I told you I wanted to be friends, I told you that I don’t fall in love, I told you I was an asshole.’ You did. You also held my hand down the street and back over and over and over again. And it was you who bought me flowers. Twice. You were also the only person who knew how to let me be.

All that was unspoken, all that was unsaid, seemed to me to say the most.  That we were bound to each other in our mutual eccentricity, our mutual understanding of that strangeness inside.  And because of this, we were the most important to each other. And you seemed to say that to me each time you returned, and each day that we passed together. Though it said nothing of the future, of our structure, of our commitment, it said so much to me. It said everything that needed to be said.

But it wasn’t true. I learned that people are not just who they are but what they believe. You might have been my equal in spontaneity and individuality but you weren’t my equal in belief. You didn’t believe in our chance, our luck. You didn’t believe in love.  But most importantly you didn’t believe in yourself to do more. You leaned back into your cowardice, you dug your heels into your selfishness, and you sat back into your indifference. And you let me get shocked and turn around and never see you again.

Inconvenient Love

The bird’s thirst finally quenched of the flower’s nectar

Like luscious fruit born of the bee’s eventual sprinkle

Lashing wind slowed by spinning staying trees

Leaves forced free by passing bitter

Growth’s reliance on spring’s glow

Tree haven for the moss’ mosey over the bark

The fierce wash of the shore by the moon moved ocean

Laid bare and baked in the tide’s inevitable retreat

Fresh and foreign fill canopy chasms

Layers deepen

Trees and moss tuck in the house tight

Misted wooded fence emits its true tint

In Observance

Cool drops fell
slowly
from the white sky
in observance
of this ending

This ending is not one of longing
this ending is not one of lack

I mourn the death you caused
I wail the pain
of the sacred lost

My love was a gift

See shooting stars
and lunar eclipses
and eyes locked in laughter
don't happen so easy

Rhythm
is the rare bloom

We were a discovery
stumbled upon
the final frontier
our nuclear reaction
a source of exponential
energy

You dismantled
our collision
Froze our
bolt
You stole
the promise of
light


The rain and I sit
in grief

Silent Crime

I fell n love w u n silence
I fell n love w u silently
U came and went
U came and went
And came back again
So many times
I was certain
Certain u cared
And then I dared
Dared to believe
U loved me
I wasn't blind
Or confused
I thought it was a matter
Of timing
A matter of you
Well that's what u told me
I could've inferred more
Deduced beyond your words
But I trusted you
I feel shame
For betting on someone
Who could be so cruel
I feel terrified
My hairs on my arms keep jumping up
Just thinking of you
Terrified of what damage ur willing to do
Terrified of how little we humans matter to u
Sometimes I see her n my mind
Walking by
She scares me too
Bc she reminds of the night I
Came in contact
W the worst of man
Like watching the film of crime
Committed against me
You robbed and you stole
And me and the fibers of the soul
that string between humankind
will not forget 

Bird

It was loud,
fast jazz
on tuesday night
we wanted to read
poetry
to interrupt
our official-ness

After the computer screened
words
he told me about a
dying bird he took away
from the concrete sidewalk
and placed in green brush
a quiet place
and peaceful death

I needed that dying bird story
like water

For a night
and then a few weeks in the aftershocks
you took all the dying bird stories
away
you made the world black
what if everyone was capable
of what you did
and so trust became
a shudder
a mistake
what if my trust was
was a

I cried against the fast moving hits of the upright bass
and my friend held my hand
friends,
they are the ones
who keep this world
while your gait
causes destruction
and your deaf ears
ignore the tender songs
of dying birds

kado

on the train back from sousse to tunis

a guy sat next to me

and we talked in the worst way

with my nothing french

and his nothing english

we talked about the islamic party

then he said facebook?

and i said yes

and wrote my name down

then he handed me his lighter

"kado"

i demonstrated with my hands

that i can't fly with the lighter

okay

then we arrived to tunis

je suis ravi du parlouz avec toi

i was confused

and he motioned that he is going

he shook my hand

bye

and i got it and he smiled

and that smile

had something in it

the mix of bye

and that smile

i walked out of the train station

onto the street

i was the only tourist on the train

in the station

i walked out 

hoping i would find a taxi

and looking for him

the boy

just because that smile

radiated me

but he was nowhere

and i walked out the door

of the station

all the bustle of people and cars

in the night

"maryam"

and before me was him

"kado"

it was a leather bracelet

Tunis

I am so inspired by this place. Its truly the real thing. These people. Enlightened leaders, regressive followers, Islamist, Progressives, Women leading the way. Its remarkable. This is the true fight. Both sides are armed with thought and action. I met with a journalist and went with this one musician ngo guy to this entrepreneur girl/super activist office and they were looking at the demo of newspaper she was making for the most progressive party here and they were discussing the articles. There were edits through out the full color 5 page paper. She was laughing nervously as he read through the articles, it was as if they are dropping something dangerous onto the world. They argued for half an hour about when the referendum should take place and how much power the constitution writers should have and for how long. Khouraif, the guy, looked at me and said, we have differences in our families, much less on the street. 

They have a citizen bus and citizen coffee shops throughout the country. And the thing about all of these ideas and activities is that they are theirs. They come up with it and do it with their savings.They never even knew their country before this, they weren't allowed to associate publicly particularly in the regions and now they are making networks. People are planning for each political milestone. One woman started educating women about the vote bc she said  "when they passed the law that there should be equal representation bt men and women in the constitutional assembly,"i felt like this was my country." She said over and over again "we are the first" to receive the official badge and training as election monitors. She showed me the badge. She said she carries it with her everywhere because she is so worried she will lose it. She says to me "if the country goes, if my daughters have to move out, at least I can't look at myself and say I didn't mobilize. The television asked me to come give live analysis after the prime minister's first speech. I asked my husband, should I? He said, no, it could be dangerous. I waited. And then I said yes and did it."

I looked at her and you could see that this woman's ego was small, what led her was not ignorance or passion, but thought and principle. There are many people who are plagued with the same need to prove themselves, to make a name, to be a leader. But within them, among them, are people that are chill, that know of a purpose larger than themselves, and so they pursue it with ingenuity and thought. Somehow, though every fight is personal, with the people I met, particularly yesterday, they were whole enough, not to need the fight to fill themselves. 

The aesthetics are nice as well, old ornate white homes and buildings, smoky lounges with mint tea, lots of art deco and long boardwalks with cafes. Public space is important here, people are having conversations together, walking around everywhere. It was a funny dictatorship that's for sure. Some women have gloves on their hands while others can barely pull the jeans off their skin. A breeze is constantly blowing with a temperature not cold and not hot. But most important is the light. I tend to be judgmental about a place by how the light shines on it. The sun beats relentlessly on all white walls during the day and at sunset the light turns the whole town pink. Last night I drove from the city center to the coast for a meeting. As we drove the sun began to set and against turquoise blue water was a pink and violet sky. We dipped into small streets, the bustle of the city continued, and men's robes,girl's t-shirts, and minarets were all colored pink.

I can't say that all of these feelings and sensations are new. I think its the strange mixture here that has compelled me. Maybe I am not shocked, but I am pleased.