Gratitude

Sometimes my conscience takes action

I knew it for at least two months. It had to end. But yesterday I did it bc I realize I couldn't be me and continue it.

The most giddy I have been is in love and in creativity borne from integrity. In those moments I can't stop giggling. It is an infinite conclusive moment of neverending bliss.

masculine & feminine

both developed inside

the flow

when you are doing
what you are meant to be doing
you have endless amounts of energy
and even more focus
nothing distracts
from what is erupting
from within

A Man

He is stubborn, finds seeing a lover’s point of view in a conflict as a major loss like a ceding territory in a 19th century war. If in a conversation, in a moment of strategic oversight, he does understand my perspective, he quickly frightens at registering the loss of acreage. I imagine him seeing a whole plain lost in this game of victory and failure. This frustrates him, and makes him rescind his last statements or turn them around, where suddenly I am the one mistaken, and it is me who is terribly and perhaps, maybe, irreconcilably flawed. And then I am utterly perplexed. It seemed we were finally becoming one, in understanding each other, finally, reaching the highest state in empathy and care and I am dropped from my near climatic point to fall thousands of feet.

I almost fell in love.

In that brief moment of heard expression. In that fleeting minute of patient, courageous listening, I was falling deeply, passionately in love. And then, like a sudden frost, the changing leaves dropped from the trees before the brightest colors had yet to show.

As if the whole process of two people understanding the other signifies the loss of himself, the loss of his best interest, he fights it with all of his might. I think about his mind. It is a domination, subordination grid, if I win, he is my slave, if he wins I am his. Is that how it works?

Then I realize as I think more, that I begin to understand him. My need, despite its substance or matter is inherently in conflict with his, as it is outside of him, and my comments , rather than about a way to express who I am and my own opinion, are a remark and commentary on his value, his worth, his something, I am not sure. And while I talk about how I feel, avoiding blame, he quickly attaches labels reflecting my inherent flaws- otherwise my feelings would have to be addressed.

And so somewhere along the way, the number of taboo topics increase, we cannot talk about his best friend, cannot talk about his parents, cannot talk about my feelings when he hurts me, until I am suddenly, deadly silent and mute. I wonder about this. In this modern, intellectual society that we travel in, how could it be that there are men that still refuse to communicate, still resist compromise, and negotiation, abhor collaboration, ultimately fear vulnerability, failing to see the inevitable bliss of the creative power of two people’s hearts and minds as one?

Friends, lovers, partners

I want a way of communication that is empathetic, meaning the person tries to understand the emotions and thinking behind what I am saying in the moment.

To do this, I want a person who listens, listens not defensively, ready to make an argument back, but ready to really understand what I am feeling and saying. To me, this takes courage and serious self esteem. To me, this means he holds the deepest respect for me, because he believes that my feelings and my thoughts are valuable.

I want a person who trusts. Trusts and has faith in the good between us and in the world. He believes that what I am saying and the approach I am taking is not to break him down, but to grow us closer. He can see and hear that I too, admit my faults and mistakes openly.

I want a person who is positive, in that he sees the positive aspects to difficult situations, to difficult people, and believes in those. His first reaction is to see the reality rather being naive about other's good intentions or thinking everyone is out to get him. He bases his judgments on evidence.

He doesn't get defensive, doesn't express bravado, doesn't feel threatened when someone is correcting him, someone seems more successful than him according to societal criteria for success: money, fame, intelligence or otherwise. He doesn't measure himself in that way. He just calmly thinks and considers the moment and the situation until he feels he understands it and himself in it.

He is comfortable asking questions, not knowing, being wrong, and openly admitting to his mistakes and his fallibility.

I want someone who is comfortable with being wrong because he believes in admitting his faults it is the only way he can evolve, grow and become stronger and happier.

I want someone whose security comes not from convincing others of his talents or brilliance or success, but from his deep belief in himself, his ability to make decisions, his ability to live true to himself, his integrity, his ability to do what is right for the universe even if it was hard for him or incongruous with his need to feel important.

Regulations, rules, policies

Make people - who are so inclined to gut instinct and ideological decisions and nepotism- to think rather than just feel...

Time to acknowledge

That no one is going to take care of me
No one is going to think for me
No one is going to raise me
No one is going to do it all right for me
No one is going to make the best decisions for me
With eyes wide open
I have to do it
Every day
and
It feels good
And I want to be with people
that respect that
every day
and that I respect
every day