the air was full

The air was full
Even though the sky
Doors opened yesterday afternoon
To Drop a dump of rain
That interfered w our meeting on
The tenth floor
It was a morning to sleep
While the air was cooler
And the sun hiding
Under a thin sheath of cloud
the sky was like the ocean
Wavy and changing
Bright white with blue sky hidden behind
A man with orange brown skin, curly hair swept the sidewalk in a blur jumpsuit
I looked at him he looked back and said good morning as he dumped the brush and dirt into the large truck
In the circle a blond woman with perfect red lipstick and rings on her yellow toes sat cross legged and too glamorous for us
On another bench a man and a woman in sandals and shorts
He held the watermelon half while she eyed it waiting for him to finish his words and xommence on scraping the bits of watermelon
It was 9:32 in the morni g
At the tip of the circle
A young man's back with broad shoulders
Covered by an orange polo shirt collar
Pushed up
Brown branded purse dangles low across his chest below his hip
He stops to help a Russian woman with nail polish red hair find massachusetts
Tuesday morning
Everything still moving too fast

Caleb

It was a cool Saturday morning
The fulcrum in my stomach wobbled
The world was shaken
Twisted
And turned
A comet shot down into our chest
That night
And things hadn't been the same
A summer solstice
Suffering
stomach lightening
Every six minutes
Breath
She looks at his picture
A womb shot
He tears release
Red eyes
My chest trembles
I fight to conceal it
His mother is our baby
a day later
Frog legs fold under his bum
Wrinkles at his knees
My pinky covers his neck
Asleep on her chest
Ice, skin, organs, melt
For him
In the wide window
Green leaves shiver
In the Afternoon sun
Crossing through them
We keep going
Moving forward
Wanting to look back
We try in the seconds before
Steel eyelids
Remember to close
Limbs spasm
Bodies
Escape to rest
Steel doors open
Time to move again
Time to feed him
Time to try
I miss him while I wait for the train
I have no idea what it is I miss
But I must look into the melon shaped eyes of his mother on his face
Again

Caleb

all those things
those things
that i thought about
the way something was said
the way something was done
the way we loved
the way we hated
the color and
the light
the surroundings
all according to moi
then the hospital
then caleb
cherub
and now
well I don't know
Life is lighter somehow
bc it revolves around him

Caleb

The door was cracked open. I am not sure why, it seemed like a closed door event. Mom stood across the hall that we weren’t really allowed to stand in. Her tiny body stood almost half of the doorway of the public kitchen where we poured our tea and got ice since arriving the night before at 2 something AM. Mom wore shorts and a sleeveless shirt revealing the precipitance with which she left the house last night. She pulled her thin wool sweater pulled across her chest in worry. I stood in the doorway and watched my sister through the reflection of the glass. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, her back towards me. The doctor was pushing and pulling shot after shot into her back, quickly, precisely, with the confident of a computer. I thought there was only one shot, so I kept telling mom it was over, when it wasn’t. Finally he pulled a long tube with a needle at the end and injected it into her like she was the end of a vacuum cleaner. I tried to see her reaction, her head bent over, her body exhausted from hours of lightning strikes in her stomach. Her head jumped as every shot went in. I looked back at my mom, and told a lie, it was over everything is okay. Then it was. The vacuum shot was pulled, the plastic peeled from her back. Everything was okay.
We waited outside. Until a blond nurse that I didn’t recognize ran into the room. I followed. Of course I did. Mom, wisely, stayed outside. Walking slowly in, I saw them moving her from one side to the next. Then “get on your hands and knees.” Danny stood there, halted. I moved passed him. Leila was holding the oxygen mask to her mouth and holding herself up on all fours. The three women, Dr Jackson, Jordan and the chief nurse that I hadn’t recognized were in control. It was apparent. The head nurse rubbed Leila’s back and told her to breathe deeper, slower. “Relax your shoulders.” She did. Just like she did everything that she was told was right to do. My hands rubbed through her hair like before, like those times before, little Leila. Her long skinny fingers curled around my hand and her eyes looked forward, focusing on her breath, on getting this right. She stayed there on her knees, one elbow and one hand. Danny sat next to her. They found each other’s eyes and tears began to roll down Leila’s chipmunk cheeks. The oxygen mask became fogged up by congestion. A tissue and wiping of her nose. Oxygen mask back on. I told her that all three of the women looked calm. By then the anesthesiologist had come in and injected a drug called ephinedrine or something into her medicine bag. Six eyes stared at the screen monitoring the baby’s heart. I stared at them then back at Leila. Mom had come in by now, unable to withstand not knowing. She was in the corner, tears wetting her face. Stay focused.
Ten minutes later, Leila was on her side, still with oxygen on her mouth. Two hours later, I was asleep on the couch. The doctor came in and checked her, half asleep I heard she was dilated 3 cm. Mom had taken over and was helping Leila watch the heart rate. Leila was elated, she was going to go for it. Wait it out until 10 cm.
Eight o’clock. A new doctor on shift. Third doctor since we arrived. He checked. His face let us know first. Leila brought up c-section. 7 minutes later the decision was made. An hour later Leila was rolled in with a baby, wrapped up like a piece of bread on her chest.

Refuse

Refuse
To describe relationships according to their profitablity
To use the word value
In terms of money
To structure my life around
Things I want to consume
To do things bc of their outcomes
to rape creativity of it's virginity
By making it self-conscious of
its a place in a market
To push end
To convince you it's worth it

Wobbly

I was restless
And barely awake
It was all uneasy
Not doing anything
And yet things were getting done
Slower than usual
I didn’t know where I was
Kind of like
A piece of furniture
Had been removed
I felt like I was
Going and coming
But walking on some spongy
Wobbly Bouncy
Floor
Neither standing still nor
Moving forward
Felt very good
I held onto a thought to
Keep smiling
Feels like the uncertainty
Of falling in love
And the uncertainty after
Love has left

June

June was hydrangeas
fuchsia, and delicate purple
white and sweet blue
it was a bush of green and periwinkle
it was the breaststroke
and the smell of sewer
coming from Rock Creek Park
it was late nights of play
and new eyes to look into
it was heat
countered by downpours
a few nights without AC
it was getting closer
and much further
it was long walks into
changing light
from dusk
to sunset
to night
it was the same bird at the
tidal basin
as the week before
it was music
melodic voices of male duos
and Iranian piano songs of the past
the Black Keys too
it was website launching
friends meeting
baby coming

I was 24

And I liked mean boys
I liked it when they came and went
swooped in and out
dropping bits of bitter chocolate
the fancy kind
and as they flew back up into the sky
I clung onto to their claws
I was good at that
they let me hang on as they flew
but I always fell eventually
plopped down onto the ground
I liked the funny things they said
sometimes I didn't even know
they were being rude
I liked wrestling
if it meant being hugged at the same time
I liked mean boys
cause
they came and went
and did it with style

Yesterday it was Yellow

Yesterday it was yellow
My girl & me walked in it
While sudden rain kept everyone
Waiting under awnings
Today started out periwinkle
But the wind changed it
To gray
The pale pink t-shirt stretched
Against my chest
I could feel it move up and down in slow motion
Against the clank of the delivery truck
Door opening
the caterers cart stumbled over the red brick sidewalk
While I wondered how I was going to get there
& how I could ignore
Them long enough to meet you

She pressed crtl s and the memo saved. It had been an hour since he moved automatically down the steep incline into the metro stop. An hour since she had been correcting verbs and descriptions. Suddenly a wet globular drop sat on the v and the c on her keyboard. Again she was alone in the bold crisscross of practical rebellion.

I Feel It Again